I should really being to let go and start loving. It seems more like I'm the one still clinging on to the currently non-salvaged dead already broken relationship with totally no communication throughout the few months together which made me partical mad and insane due to the stillness when we meet up and just sweet talks through text like "love ya" Yes I love you, but it's too late to even say it. So let's just say I loved you and which you would tell me through texts rather than verbal. I just need the sense if security that I am really with you and really know you. Thinking back, I don't really know you well at all!! Don't even know much about you. This relationship seemed to be like a fruit harvested too early, causing it to wither. I'm just depressed over the fact that texts from you was able to cheer me up as though you just kissed me and whisper it softly in my ears? However none of it happened. I really wished that back then, I was more ready for everything. Now it's just the making sure I let go? I really wana see you again face-to-face to confirm my feelings. How I will react. I know I'm selfish, and you are the only one, the only person who can melt my heart even after I have left it in the freezer for a decade.
I should be more daring. need the courage. I'm hungry. Food please :)
Qi Han.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Just upset
I guess that I'm at the brink of breaking down. Poor time management, social life, studies.
What's going on?! I just need to rest and get to know more about myself rather than letting every bit of it get exposed and react with air to from rust.
Just don't feel like myself.
What am I suppose to feel?
What am I? Who am I?
I don't even know myself.
I know that there's a whole load of errors, but for all I care.
Just who am I? To you? To me? To everyone?
Besides my name and the obvious. Besides the common description from random people which is always similar in terms of meaning, besides the whatever you know what you're thinking now.
State of confusion. Plan one thing take so long, like want people life. State of confusion, don't even know whats going on. I guess a deep sleep is REALLY what I need.
I'm gonna act and become a total geek for the time being. It's time I lay low and stop being an attention seeker?
What the heck is going on in my mind? I've been running miles and miles, my foot feel sore, and I'm still desperate for an answer.
I'm just stressed up over my current behaviour, attitude, social life.
I wish that I could be much more expressive. Argh, I'm reminded of you again. Glad that you're doing fine, and the expected reaction of 'stop and stare' when you see your ex-classmates. Really, go on? Hesitant to even type this. It just hurts to see... not going on anymore
What's going on?! I just need to rest and get to know more about myself rather than letting every bit of it get exposed and react with air to from rust.
Just don't feel like myself.
What am I suppose to feel?
What am I? Who am I?
I don't even know myself.
I know that there's a whole load of errors, but for all I care.
Just who am I? To you? To me? To everyone?
Besides my name and the obvious. Besides the common description from random people which is always similar in terms of meaning, besides the whatever you know what you're thinking now.
State of confusion. Plan one thing take so long, like want people life. State of confusion, don't even know whats going on. I guess a deep sleep is REALLY what I need.
I'm gonna act and become a total geek for the time being. It's time I lay low and stop being an attention seeker?
What the heck is going on in my mind? I've been running miles and miles, my foot feel sore, and I'm still desperate for an answer.
I'm just stressed up over my current behaviour, attitude, social life.
I wish that I could be much more expressive. Argh, I'm reminded of you again. Glad that you're doing fine, and the expected reaction of 'stop and stare' when you see your ex-classmates. Really, go on? Hesitant to even type this. It just hurts to see... not going on anymore
Monday, June 27, 2011
What is.
The feeling of having super close friends when you can talk about everything under the sun. I admire that brotherhood of yours.
I wish I was slightly psychic back then.
"25 minutes late"
Just spell checked, and I was like "awooooh!! No spelling errors"
So what are true friends? Everyone always ask that question when they wanna get into a deep conversation with you. To me, being a true friend is not to pry over every single detail, and dig the deepest secrets of your friends. In that case, it would seemed like secrets are the only bonds that connects you. I find that meaningless.
Being a true friend is all about creating new memories with them, memorable ones, doing things together for the first time, and most importantly, being there for them through thick and thin.
The best would be a mix of both. Apparently, I'm close to opening up to people, as I'll just feel awkward trying to guage the words out of my mouth. I'm ok wiht sharing to some, but really small number. And I share in bite size, like randomly popping up.
Pouring it here would be a better solution since my other blog is more acitve and is viewed worldwide! Cool!! [Although like 98 views in 3 months] but it's considered good for an average typical blogger!
Whatever, I knwo this link can be found in google, so yeah, BYE!!
I like watching people cosplay. Makes me feel alive
I wish I was slightly psychic back then.
"25 minutes late"
Just spell checked, and I was like "awooooh!! No spelling errors"
So what are true friends? Everyone always ask that question when they wanna get into a deep conversation with you. To me, being a true friend is not to pry over every single detail, and dig the deepest secrets of your friends. In that case, it would seemed like secrets are the only bonds that connects you. I find that meaningless.
Being a true friend is all about creating new memories with them, memorable ones, doing things together for the first time, and most importantly, being there for them through thick and thin.
The best would be a mix of both. Apparently, I'm close to opening up to people, as I'll just feel awkward trying to guage the words out of my mouth. I'm ok wiht sharing to some, but really small number. And I share in bite size, like randomly popping up.
Pouring it here would be a better solution since my other blog is more acitve and is viewed worldwide! Cool!! [Although like 98 views in 3 months] but it's considered good for an average typical blogger!
Whatever, I knwo this link can be found in google, so yeah, BYE!!
I like watching people cosplay. Makes me feel alive
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It felt like a thousand blades were stabbed into my chest, a weight pulling me down, strounger then the forces of gravity.
Oh, how overwhelming can that be? Suffering? Letter of the love sick.
The Script - If You Ever Come Back
Sister ordered McDonalds, heee!! Got Fries!
Oh, how overwhelming can that be? Suffering? Letter of the love sick.
The Script - If You Ever Come Back
Sister ordered McDonalds, heee!! Got Fries!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Maybe
Maybe all along you were reading my blog post.
Maybe all along you still place me in your heart.
Maybe all along I still matters a lot to you.
Maybe all along you've been stalking me, secretly.
Maybe all along you still have feelings for me?
Maybe all along you've been thinking me every second?
Maybe all along, you're still in love with me?
I'm sure I've not completely gotten over you, and thats a fact.
Images of you happening almost every second when I'm not occupied. Tried to steal spacing out time, but still, i'll never go.
Easier said than done,
The world tells you to let go, but will your heart listen? That's the precious thing that keeps someone alive, physically and emotionally.
So here I say, I'm not sorry that I love you, but sorry for leaving.
Maybe all along you still place me in your heart.
Maybe all along I still matters a lot to you.
Maybe all along you've been stalking me, secretly.
Maybe all along you still have feelings for me?
Maybe all along you've been thinking me every second?
Maybe all along, you're still in love with me?
I'm sure I've not completely gotten over you, and thats a fact.
Images of you happening almost every second when I'm not occupied. Tried to steal spacing out time, but still, i'll never go.
Easier said than done,
The world tells you to let go, but will your heart listen? That's the precious thing that keeps someone alive, physically and emotionally.
So here I say, I'm not sorry that I love you, but sorry for leaving.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's really weird. Months ago, I claimed that I have gotten over my ex, and now memories of him still hid at the corner of my heart. It's really weird, I'm on the verge of just exploding, whenever I see BMX bicycles, food, or anything, literally everything, he will pop into my head. It's like an annoyance, intruding into your private space, and you wishing to shoo him out with a brrom stick, but just can't bring myself to do so.
Yes, I just can't bear to let go, I ain't letting go, not intending to let go just yet, just secretly hanging on to this dead broken relationship, due to lack of quality time.
If it was that easy to forget and let go, there would be no such thing as sadness, agony, and for some, even vengence and harted. Leave vengence to God, it's not for us to decided and do. That's what I learned from my Sunday bible study back when I was young.
Prefer those days, when everyone in church was much more friendly. Recently, I've been feeling out of place, and sometimes, questions like
"Do I even exist, in their eyes?"
"Am I invinsible, in their eyes?"
even occured. Yes, those two questions pops up. It's weird, and I got an answer for it. It's just that some of them just can't be bothered to glance at you, not even a glimpse and they ratehr stay in their comfort zone of fame and security with their own clique, and afer the long-run, everyone becomes anti-social, and only mingle with their own group.
Fellowship would turn out to clique gathering.
When someone new comes to visit the church, that someone mircaiously transformed into a lone prey, and everyone, teh predators will rush towards the prey based on natural instincts, and start taunting them.
Just can't stand it. Worse still, when you initiated to leave your comfort zone to mix around, you automatically get shunned. Worse case, your group gets disband as though it extinct, due to various reasons.
Now, I'm just a loner, stoning and doing thigns at my own pace. I prefer not being rushed, my motto is NOT to rush someone, because it increases the chances of something negative happening towards the other party. An example would be when a person is beign rushed, naturally they will haste their steps, and nobody knows, they might just trip over their own leg, then fall and you end up wasting more time. That's teh reason why I don't like to rush, rather give people some space, and having more patience towards them perhaps?
Instead what did I get? A breakup message, leaving me speechless, and I just replied with a one letter 'k' and "Normal friends?"
Now, what if I salvage it? WIll it help or cause more tension, since we both live in two different worlds although just living blocks away? Blocks away may seem like a mile or so physically, but mentally, it's like I'm at pluto and you're at the sun, the extream end. I'm cold, you're hot, both can never intercept or the equality of warmth might get disrupted.
I still remember your hand holding on tight to mine during ONE movie, and that's the last time we ever held hands in 3 months, the time we played at the arcade and that was before everything started. The time we had free ice-cream and that was close to 3 months ago.
Memories of you still stuck in my head. I know it's never gonna be deleted, cause I'm nto a computer software where I can just "alt-tab-delete" or press the "esc" button to leave everything. I also can't reformat my hardware, and start anew. That is only possible if I ever have a brian damage or coma, such that I forget who I am. But too bad, it's never forever, I'll definitely remember it someday, so time is the essence. In tiem to come, everything will be regained, and the agony being felt earlier will start creeping in slowly munching away every life source left.
At the corner of my eyes, I kept a lookout for you, hoping to see you someday, and beign able to chat normally. Hoping everything was like vefore everything started. On my way home, flashbacks of you occured, and I'll think to myself,
"What if I did this back then?"
All the what if. It ain't gonna help! it's just gonna make things worse, and soon, I'll collaspe.
At the corner of ym eyes, I kept wondering if you had ever loved me deeply, the kind where you'll never let go, or you initiated the breakup so as not to hurt us both any further? Or is it just a self-centered ddecision?
Can't make up my mind whether you're mine, as a Christian, we are NOT suppose to be with someone not of the same religion with us, due to future arrangements. I argued with myself that "you're a buddhist. I'm a Christian, we're not suppose to be together" and all,but after living in a self-deciving claim for a week or so, that armor, fragile built armor just broke down, unable to withstand a light wind.
Even if I were to hope for you to do something to make me hate you for life, I can't bring mself to hate you. I can't bring myself to hate people, cause naturally I'll just forgive and forget. It will automatically be registered as a mistake made and not something to seek revenge for and all crappy hatred stuffs which leads to one deadly sins after the other.
I may be able to express myself emotionally in words, but somehow I'm unable to express my emotions in real life, like no matter how hard I try, no matter how mcuch I allowed my tears to fall, It will never, and refuses to let go, to let out, to break free, and it believes in the policy of containment, never letting go, never sharing a single word..
It sucks to be cheerful on the outside, and feel extream hazzard, depression, in desperate need for aid inside. It's like trying to wear multiple layers of wolf skin, when I'm actually a little roden, insignificant little dirt, lying around, sky watching.
I love the sky.
Yes, I just can't bear to let go, I ain't letting go, not intending to let go just yet, just secretly hanging on to this dead broken relationship, due to lack of quality time.
If it was that easy to forget and let go, there would be no such thing as sadness, agony, and for some, even vengence and harted. Leave vengence to God, it's not for us to decided and do. That's what I learned from my Sunday bible study back when I was young.
Prefer those days, when everyone in church was much more friendly. Recently, I've been feeling out of place, and sometimes, questions like
"Do I even exist, in their eyes?"
"Am I invinsible, in their eyes?"
even occured. Yes, those two questions pops up. It's weird, and I got an answer for it. It's just that some of them just can't be bothered to glance at you, not even a glimpse and they ratehr stay in their comfort zone of fame and security with their own clique, and afer the long-run, everyone becomes anti-social, and only mingle with their own group.
Fellowship would turn out to clique gathering.
When someone new comes to visit the church, that someone mircaiously transformed into a lone prey, and everyone, teh predators will rush towards the prey based on natural instincts, and start taunting them.
Just can't stand it. Worse still, when you initiated to leave your comfort zone to mix around, you automatically get shunned. Worse case, your group gets disband as though it extinct, due to various reasons.
Now, I'm just a loner, stoning and doing thigns at my own pace. I prefer not being rushed, my motto is NOT to rush someone, because it increases the chances of something negative happening towards the other party. An example would be when a person is beign rushed, naturally they will haste their steps, and nobody knows, they might just trip over their own leg, then fall and you end up wasting more time. That's teh reason why I don't like to rush, rather give people some space, and having more patience towards them perhaps?
Instead what did I get? A breakup message, leaving me speechless, and I just replied with a one letter 'k' and "Normal friends?"
Now, what if I salvage it? WIll it help or cause more tension, since we both live in two different worlds although just living blocks away? Blocks away may seem like a mile or so physically, but mentally, it's like I'm at pluto and you're at the sun, the extream end. I'm cold, you're hot, both can never intercept or the equality of warmth might get disrupted.
I still remember your hand holding on tight to mine during ONE movie, and that's the last time we ever held hands in 3 months, the time we played at the arcade and that was before everything started. The time we had free ice-cream and that was close to 3 months ago.
Memories of you still stuck in my head. I know it's never gonna be deleted, cause I'm nto a computer software where I can just "alt-tab-delete" or press the "esc" button to leave everything. I also can't reformat my hardware, and start anew. That is only possible if I ever have a brian damage or coma, such that I forget who I am. But too bad, it's never forever, I'll definitely remember it someday, so time is the essence. In tiem to come, everything will be regained, and the agony being felt earlier will start creeping in slowly munching away every life source left.
At the corner of my eyes, I kept a lookout for you, hoping to see you someday, and beign able to chat normally. Hoping everything was like vefore everything started. On my way home, flashbacks of you occured, and I'll think to myself,
"What if I did this back then?"
All the what if. It ain't gonna help! it's just gonna make things worse, and soon, I'll collaspe.
At the corner of ym eyes, I kept wondering if you had ever loved me deeply, the kind where you'll never let go, or you initiated the breakup so as not to hurt us both any further? Or is it just a self-centered ddecision?
Can't make up my mind whether you're mine, as a Christian, we are NOT suppose to be with someone not of the same religion with us, due to future arrangements. I argued with myself that "you're a buddhist. I'm a Christian, we're not suppose to be together" and all,but after living in a self-deciving claim for a week or so, that armor, fragile built armor just broke down, unable to withstand a light wind.
Even if I were to hope for you to do something to make me hate you for life, I can't bring mself to hate you. I can't bring myself to hate people, cause naturally I'll just forgive and forget. It will automatically be registered as a mistake made and not something to seek revenge for and all crappy hatred stuffs which leads to one deadly sins after the other.
I may be able to express myself emotionally in words, but somehow I'm unable to express my emotions in real life, like no matter how hard I try, no matter how mcuch I allowed my tears to fall, It will never, and refuses to let go, to let out, to break free, and it believes in the policy of containment, never letting go, never sharing a single word..
It sucks to be cheerful on the outside, and feel extream hazzard, depression, in desperate need for aid inside. It's like trying to wear multiple layers of wolf skin, when I'm actually a little roden, insignificant little dirt, lying around, sky watching.
I love the sky.
Friday, April 15, 2011
How to Keep Your Girlfriend Happy
Maintain. If you did a bunch of cute things with her before, try & keep it up. You don’t have to go all out everyday for her, but don’t stop completely just because you got her already.
“Ladies first.” No. That rule doesn’t apply to communication. Don’t wait for her call, text, why don’t you try talking to her first for a change? It’s thoughtful & sweet if a guy can actually do that.
Surprise her. You don’t have to drive an hour to her house at 3 a.m. to set off her name in fireworks in front of her window, but the little things are big things. A simple, good morning text, is more powerful than you think.
What insecurities? For the love of God, all girls have insecurities. Please don’t point them out. For example, today I was looking at food & my boyfriend said “You eat a lot. You probably could beat me at a buffet." WHAT. THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY. Also, let her be herself. If she’s having a bad hair day, don’t make fun of her if it’s hurtful. Let her wear sweatpants & still feel pretty damn cute around you, even when she’s not looking her best.
Act the same around your friends. You’re not a real man if you completely blow off your girl in front of your homeboys. When you’re going to hang out with her & your friends you better not run off & leave her standing there to greet them like WUDDUPPP GUYSSS. NO, you better at least walk with her & introduce her to them if you haven’t already. If you walk with her hand in hand, she’ll love it.
When she’s mad. Dude, you better try & get her back. Chase her, whatever it is, don’t let her walk away when she’s mad at you. It shows you don’t care enough to go after her. Don’t let her go.
One & Only. If your girl really doesn't like one of your friends, trust, she has good reason to. Girls’ intuition -shrug- So don’t go hanging with your homegirl all the time if you know your girlfriend doesn’t like that bitch. She usually won’t hate for no reason. Respect her.
Trust. Honesty. If you lie to her, you’re going to have one hell of a time regaining that trust because she’ll start questioning everything you’ve said or done for her, no matter how small that lie was. Fess up or get lost.
Love her. That’s all.
Maintain. If you did a bunch of cute things with her before, try & keep it up. You don’t have to go all out everyday for her, but don’t stop completely just because you got her already.
“Ladies first.” No. That rule doesn’t apply to communication. Don’t wait for her call, text, why don’t you try talking to her first for a change? It’s thoughtful & sweet if a guy can actually do that.
Surprise her. You don’t have to drive an hour to her house at 3 a.m. to set off her name in fireworks in front of her window, but the little things are big things. A simple, good morning text, is more powerful than you think.
What insecurities? For the love of God, all girls have insecurities. Please don’t point them out. For example, today I was looking at food & my boyfriend said “You eat a lot. You probably could beat me at a buffet." WHAT. THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY. Also, let her be herself. If she’s having a bad hair day, don’t make fun of her if it’s hurtful. Let her wear sweatpants & still feel pretty damn cute around you, even when she’s not looking her best.
Act the same around your friends. You’re not a real man if you completely blow off your girl in front of your homeboys. When you’re going to hang out with her & your friends you better not run off & leave her standing there to greet them like WUDDUPPP GUYSSS. NO, you better at least walk with her & introduce her to them if you haven’t already. If you walk with her hand in hand, she’ll love it.
When she’s mad. Dude, you better try & get her back. Chase her, whatever it is, don’t let her walk away when she’s mad at you. It shows you don’t care enough to go after her. Don’t let her go.
One & Only. If your girl really doesn't like one of your friends, trust, she has good reason to. Girls’ intuition -shrug- So don’t go hanging with your homegirl all the time if you know your girlfriend doesn’t like that bitch. She usually won’t hate for no reason. Respect her.
Trust. Honesty. If you lie to her, you’re going to have one hell of a time regaining that trust because she’ll start questioning everything you’ve said or done for her, no matter how small that lie was. Fess up or get lost.
Love her. That’s all.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
So fustrating! I once knew how to slove those craps, and now, nothing can be done. It's like beyong hope, and it's as though that whole shitload crap was just introduced to me.
Having this shattering heartache feeling, i've probably felt it once in a blue moon. I should be happy, that I at least know that my emotional side is still alive, but upset that this feeling just crushes everything, and anything available.
It's horrible to know that everything I have done in the past somehow went missing 0_0. It's like I've got a mental brain-wash, and apparently, I can't do anything. Fucked-up life.
Chest beating, hard, like being blasted with stero speakers right in my face, but that's all an illusion. Actual fact, it's me.
Sigh, need to buck up, wake up, and leave this, my self-denial world.
Having this shattering heartache feeling, i've probably felt it once in a blue moon. I should be happy, that I at least know that my emotional side is still alive, but upset that this feeling just crushes everything, and anything available.
It's horrible to know that everything I have done in the past somehow went missing 0_0. It's like I've got a mental brain-wash, and apparently, I can't do anything. Fucked-up life.
Chest beating, hard, like being blasted with stero speakers right in my face, but that's all an illusion. Actual fact, it's me.
Sigh, need to buck up, wake up, and leave this, my self-denial world.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZQYg0vjLxE&feature=related
Found of this music. Filled with emotions. haha!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAHhxdcIxCQ&feature=related
Usually the person playing would get broed from the introduction since it's just repeating the same keys over, but I feel that it's a challenge because it tests your patience, and also shows your determination to complete this piece which will be packed with your thoughts about this music. haha!
:)
Found of this music. Filled with emotions. haha!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAHhxdcIxCQ&feature=related
Usually the person playing would get broed from the introduction since it's just repeating the same keys over, but I feel that it's a challenge because it tests your patience, and also shows your determination to complete this piece which will be packed with your thoughts about this music. haha!
:)
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