It's really weird. Months ago, I claimed that I have gotten over my ex, and now memories of him still hid at the corner of my heart. It's really weird, I'm on the verge of just exploding, whenever I see BMX bicycles, food, or anything, literally everything, he will pop into my head. It's like an annoyance, intruding into your private space, and you wishing to shoo him out with a brrom stick, but just can't bring myself to do so.

Yes, I just can't bear to let go, I ain't letting go, not intending to let go just yet, just secretly hanging on to this dead broken relationship, due to lack of quality time.

If it was that easy to forget and let go, there would be no such thing as sadness, agony, and for some, even vengence and harted. Leave vengence to God, it's not for us to decided and do. That's what I learned from my Sunday bible study back when I was young.

Prefer those days, when everyone in church was much more friendly. Recently, I've been feeling out of place, and sometimes, questions like

"Do I even exist, in their eyes?"

"Am I invinsible, in their eyes?"

even occured. Yes, those two questions pops up. It's weird, and I got an answer for it. It's just that some of them just can't be bothered to glance at you, not even a glimpse and they ratehr stay in their comfort zone of fame and security with their own clique, and afer the long-run, everyone becomes anti-social, and only mingle with their own group.

Fellowship would turn out to clique gathering.

When someone new comes to visit the church, that someone mircaiously transformed into a lone prey, and everyone, teh predators will rush towards the prey based on natural instincts, and start taunting them.

Just can't stand it. Worse still, when you initiated to leave your comfort zone to mix around, you automatically get shunned. Worse case, your group gets disband as though it extinct, due to various reasons.

Now, I'm just a loner, stoning and doing thigns at my own pace. I prefer not being rushed, my motto is NOT to rush someone, because it increases the chances of something negative happening towards the other party. An example would be when a person is beign rushed, naturally they will haste their steps, and nobody knows, they might just trip over their own leg, then fall and you end up wasting more time. That's teh reason why I don't like to rush, rather give people some space, and having more patience towards them perhaps?

Instead what did I get? A breakup message, leaving me speechless, and I just replied with a one letter 'k' and "Normal friends?"

Now, what if I salvage it? WIll it help or cause more tension, since we both live in two different worlds although just living blocks away? Blocks away may seem like a mile or so physically, but mentally, it's like I'm at pluto and you're at the sun, the extream end. I'm cold, you're hot, both can never intercept or the equality of warmth might get disrupted.

I still remember your hand holding on tight to mine during ONE movie, and that's the last time we ever held hands in 3 months, the time we played at the arcade and that was before everything started. The time we had free ice-cream and that was close to 3 months ago.

Memories of you still stuck in my head. I know it's never gonna be deleted, cause I'm nto a computer software where I can just "alt-tab-delete" or press the "esc" button to leave everything. I also can't reformat my hardware, and start anew. That is only possible if I ever have a brian damage or coma, such that I forget who I am. But too bad, it's never forever, I'll definitely remember it someday, so time is the essence. In tiem to come, everything will be regained, and the agony being felt earlier will start creeping in slowly munching away every life source left.

At the corner of my eyes, I kept a lookout for you, hoping to see you someday, and beign able to chat normally. Hoping everything was like vefore everything started. On my way home, flashbacks of you occured, and I'll think to myself,

"What if I did this back then?"

All the what if. It ain't gonna help! it's just gonna make things worse, and soon, I'll collaspe.

At the corner of ym eyes, I kept wondering if you had ever loved me deeply, the kind where you'll never let go, or you initiated the breakup so as not to hurt us both any further? Or is it just a self-centered ddecision?

Can't make up my mind whether you're mine, as a Christian, we are NOT suppose to be with someone not of the same religion with us, due to future arrangements. I argued with myself that "you're a buddhist. I'm a Christian, we're not suppose to be together" and all,but after living in a self-deciving claim for a week or so, that armor, fragile built armor just broke down, unable to withstand a light wind.

Even if I were to hope for you to do something to make me hate you for life, I can't bring mself to hate you. I can't bring myself to hate people, cause naturally I'll just forgive and forget. It will automatically be registered as a mistake made and not something to seek revenge for and all crappy hatred stuffs which leads to one deadly sins after the other.

I may be able to express myself emotionally in words, but somehow I'm unable to express my emotions in real life, like no matter how hard I try, no matter how mcuch I allowed my tears to fall, It will never, and refuses to let go, to let out, to break free, and it believes in the policy of containment, never letting go, never sharing a single word..

It sucks to be cheerful on the outside, and feel extream hazzard, depression, in desperate need for aid inside. It's like trying to wear multiple layers of wolf skin, when I'm actually a little roden, insignificant little dirt, lying around, sky watching.

I love the sky.